people are weird.
and i mean that in the most sincere way possible.
if they aren't selfish, they're too unselfish
and if they are selfish, they're too selfish
it's rare to find a happy medium.
who really wins in those scenarios?
obviously the selfish ones, to a degree.
but what's left after getting everything you want?
anyway, that's beside the point.
my goals this summer were to study ahead of time for my classes this semester, to work out everyday, to detox/eat healthier, and eventually become truly happy again.
it's hard to put all those things together when the summer has gotten off to such a weird start, and that's why i feel selfish. most people would be fueled by the events that have transpired yet i let them get to me so badly i can't see the benefits of my own actions long enough to be happier.
i work out (mostly) every day, i shadow a doctor, i study my fall semester coursework ahead of time, and i'm eating healthier.
i honestly broke down today because i wasn't meeting this weird goal in my head as quickly as i wanted to. my own mom made fun of me.
this whole post is scatter brained but i swear there was a point, and i'm going to attempt to get to it.
the other day my uncle called, and he explained to me the main point of the lecture he was attending. it was about the only person standing in our way. the only person who can set limits on ourselves.
the only person you cannot lie to as much as you try (thanks betty white for that one).
yourself. my goal isn't unrealistic because it's impossible to reach, it's unrealistic because of the boundaries i've set for myself. mentally and physically. i've succumbed to the excuse, to the expectation, to the limitation i've set in my own head. "i can't stop doing this because if i start again eventually everything i've worked for will far apart." but it won't, cause it can't, because i don't know if it would or not and i haven't even given it a chance.
on another token, i haven't come to terms with our family friend's death because i haven't really given myself the chance to honestly talk it through, to say what they meant to me, what their kindness and thoughts meant to me and how it's fueling my goal to practice one day. i think that in some way is holding me back, it's been the topic of many conversations that i've tried my hardest to avoid. in all honesty though i'm still expecting to hear a phone call one day or a warm welcome on a trip home from athens.
the gist of it here is this, having an internal battle of wits with yourself never ever helps. if you're unhappy about something, try and fix it as soon as possible instead of bottling it up and letting it fester. then that itself becomes a limitation, and no one wants limitations. they make you feel silly and not in charge of your own life. yourself wouldn't be too happy about that.
new goal: become a better writer.
Wednesday, June 22, 2011
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