on a lighter note, i wrote some jay-z and beyonce fanfiction

I call this one, "Dreamworld"-------

"Hey B, what time are the babysitting hopefuls coming by today? Ye just called, said he's dropping by and it's important," HOVA called to his loving wife, Beyonce.

"Jay! You know I can't reschedule! They're arriving in exactly thirty minutes, which is when Blue Ivy wakes up from her nap," Beyonce replied, sticking her head out of the bathroom door while putting on gold earrings that matched fantastically well with her chartreuse romper. 

"It'll be fine," Jay waved her frantic reply aside.  Just then a heavy knock came to the door.  

"It's me! Yeezy!" came a sad but loud voice from behind the front door.  Jay-Z moved to get up but Beyonce was faster, opening the door in a swift motion and pulling at face at Kanye's distressed state.

"What's wrong with you?" she asked.

"I...I just broke up with Kim," he replied, somberly.

"OH THANK GOD!" exclaimed three voices in unison.  Hova and B looked at each other, then at Kanye, then at the newcomer standing at the foot of the patio.

"Am I early?" the prospective babysitter asked sheepishly, embarrassed for voicing her thoughts aloud in front of her favorite rapper.  Kanye turned around to face her, his frown faltering slightly as he gave her a once over.  

"You're hired!" he said, clapping his hands together.

"I think I'll decide that," Beyonce commanded the attention back to herself.  Rucha just giggled and took Kanye's hand leading her into the lovely mansion.

to be continued.

overdue?

if you're reading this, i'm sorry i can't help you.


i really wish i could, but when you don't think/don't want/refuse to help yourself then no one else can pick up those pieces for you.

there are always going to be those who have it worse and those who have it better. as adults who have already gone through our either happy or depressing developmental stages, we can't go back and make things less miserable as we see fit.  we just have to try and make it better now.

take me for example.  i'm extremely self conscious, always have been,  and am constantly looking to gratify the needs of others in the hopes that they will, in turn, appreciate who i am for my efforts.  i'm constantly in fear that i'm being left out of something for one reason or another. yeah,  i said it. i'm selfish in that regard. so selfish in fact, that when my best efforts go unnoticed, i feel more down than i'd like to admit.  this is just one of the myriad of things i need to work on, but guess how i'm trying to work at it?

by going to the gym and eating right.
it's the me first attitude, but with the added bonus of nobody else's opinion being factored in.

i cook for me, i eat for me, i work out for me. me alone.

and the benefits?
only i see them, only i feel them. no one who passes by will know i'm actively fighting illnesses. no one has to know. the only person my activities directly affect is me.

you should never, ever, ever change anything about yourself in order to seek positive feedback from others. you should be seeking positive feedback from YOU, then everything else falls into place. it just does.

i know i live a very privileged life.  i have a great family, i have a great group of friends, i love what i'm studying, i love what i do on a regular basis.  i could easily make everything worse though just with my attitude on it.  so i won't let myself.

make lists, complete them. reorganize everything.  work out or play or make something for the 3 spare hours a day you have. stop sitting.

just stop that, right now. get up.
in fact, get a stand up desk.

do things that you know lead to positive changes. and if you can't find the positive in anything, then you're not looking hard enough.

Future Home Ideas

future home ideas:

all white or the lightest cream color, large kitchen (maybe biggest room in the house?). fresh cut flowers from the garden in my backyard, cut to perfection and sitting at the round cherry wood dinner table. a cake tower display.
gujarati alphabet painting with common words and phrases at the bottom written/painted in bright gold on an orange and pink painted canvas on the wall.

teals, oranges, mustards, browns, creams, raspberry pinks and rosemary greens accent the setting.

fresh everything

fresh beet and chickpea hummus waiting to be eaten on the table with homemade flatbread, and homemade granola/biscotti sitting in glass jars by the toaster.

pomegranates, apples, oranges and mangos sit in the fruit basket
while next to the juicer lemons and limes wait to be squeezed for dinner, cocktails, poptails... the works.

i want my living room to be simple. with seating the focal point, not the tv. five large items, at most. walls adorned with bright shining family pictures, my own photography, happy bright colors on cream colored walls that capture as much light as possible.

i want a screened porch if not a sunroom.

and i want a coat rack by the door, a bright colored chandelier overlooking the dining table, and a floral bench seat under a bright window just for reading.

life is for living, we all know

and i don't want to live it alone

cause my head just aches
when i think of the things that i shouldn't have done
cause life is for living we all know
and i don't want to live it alone

disheartening weekend nights

everyone keeps losing faith around me and i can't handle it. love will find those who honestly seek it. i promise

I have the best family and friends a girl could ask for, no doubt.

I wish I could stop getting so damn emotional whenever I drink though.  I broke down for what felt like the millionth time in the past three weeks and unfortunately this time I wasn't hiding in a car.  I hate allowing people to see me when I'm vulnerable, but once it happens I can't stop.  It just escalates until I'm a crying heap and helpless.


For whatever reason I'm the first to try and get someone else to talk about their feelings, but as soon as it comes to my own I feel almost like I'm betraying someone else by making them listen to any level of sadness.  I know I shouldn't bottle things up inside.  I know it doesn't make things easier.  I also know it takes a certain level of broken heartedness that should be released to simply cry until you can't breathe in the driver seat of your car. Or in the shower. Or just sitting beside the little nook of trees in the patch of grass between Wilcox and Rutherford.

For those of you who saw me crying and didn't get scared, thank you so so so so so much.  I love you. I truly do.  It was so out of character for me and I hope I can snap out of it soon. The truth is I miss him more than I thought I would.  More than anyone thought I would I'm sure.  And I'm also terrified of everything at the moment.  It seemed nice being able to go through things with him around to give me a hug at the end of the day, but I don't have that anymore and it's taking a lot to get used to that.  It makes me feel selfish for expecting those things too, which feels worse inevitably.

I need someone to cut me off midfunk.  Seriously.

No more funks.  Just happy days.

Sunday, Monday ones. Tuesday, Wednesday ones. Thursday, Friday ones. Saturday what a days.