Off to Africa tomorrow and I get to see Kristen on the way!

Like my pops says,

Cross off the bucket list!

But more than that, it'll be nice to put a picture to the stories my
Dad told me about his childhood. I feel blessed to be able to go and enjoy all these cultures from a first hand perspective.

comfortability is one of the worst things that can happen to anyone.
there's so much more and there always will be

craziness going on!

we have delicious oranges on our farm..

i can't wait for this week to be over so i can curl up in a little ball and sleep for a minute before heading off home and enjoying my family's company again. 

play adaptation

lab final/lab report

final lab practical

anatomy exam

i can do this. right?

i think i've lost the ability to enjoy myself completely. to do exactly what i want to do.



i need to figure that out again.

it'll be our 9 months tomorrow! crazy how time flies. time to make chocolate beer cupcakes with whiskey ganache and irish cream buttercream for the birthday boy!

i hope these turn out tasty.

anatomy

"it just floats there

like dude get an articulation

for real"

katy winterhalter on the "gross" hyoid bone.

nerds fo' life.

:)

i adore him.

kale, beet, lemon, apple, and ginger juice.
broccoli, kale salad and scrambled eggs.

study mode.

challenge accepted

"you're going to probably struggle with your health until you're 23 or 24"

i'll be the first to admit

i'm a hater

i people watch constantly, overanalyzing the moments they slip up.
i try to congratulate them on the few, gem-like moments they do the exact opposite.

but i try not to be too vocal about it (even though that might not seem the case).

i need to stop. it's tiring to hate on so many cats.

but people, quit giving me reasons to think these things. seriously. wear pants that fit, clothes that aren't barely there, and maybe once or twice a smile on your face instead of a gawking stare. quit making jokes at the expense of others, and quit making others feel uncomfortable with so much jib jab about "encounters".. it's only funny when yeezy raps about it.

and finally, be grateful.
people just aren't grateful anymore.

hey you! you there, you're sitting there with a beer and a nice outfit, why are you complaining about how everything is so bad all the time? what are you enjoying right now? can't you just take a few steps back, realize you're in a good place, and instead of complaining try to do something that puts others in your position as well?  i understand that discomfort with something leads to change, but it seems like people are just feeling discomfort lately without doing anything about it.  complacency about discomfort is the worst thing in the world. it just has to be.

it's so easy to do something about it.
so easy.




and this is how i spend my time before i get a call to come hang out. only after working on my chem 2112 lab report, painting my nails, and ironing my outfit for tonight.



just be happy.

ZzzZzz

last night's dream was the tits.


aziz ansari and paul giamatti as john adams as a comedian were on tour together, and their bus broke down in front of my house. my entire family was home.

aziz is being really sweet and getting to know the family and stuff, so is comedian john adams aka paul giamatti.  they really enjoy themselves.  one day i'm crying cause i have some sort of weird rash on my face and aziz tells me i'm beautiful and not to worry. so of course aziz and i start dating.

then!! we're at some grand theatre and comedian john adams aka paul giamatti asks me to marry him and shows me his 18th century mansion that was waiting for us. but i'm all like "sorry john adams, i'm dating aziz ansari. and also, you're about 300 years too old for me"

so aziz ansari and i get a little sad that john adams is a little sad, but our relationship is still strong at the end of the dream.

BAM.
so good

kale has healing powers.


also, i'm surprised how much spanish i end up not losing over summer months.  maybe i am actually good at this stuff.




school is cool.

  ¡qué descansada vida
la del que huye el mundanal ruïdo
y sigue la escondida
senda por donde han ido
los pocos sabios que en el mundo han sido!

-- my spanish professor started lecture off with this stanza from a poem by fray luis de leon. 

here's my basic interpretation:

what a relaxing life

to escape from a loud, noisy world

and to follow the lesser known path

of wise men.

gotta love it.  

i have some sort of ridiculous right side chest pain.  it's making it harder and harder to breathe (lool).

go away pain, and don't come back.

also, why do people ruin good things? haha. although i have to say this is hilarious:

god i'm bored. 

don't worry guys, i'm happy with where i am, i promise.

i still think of all the embarrassing things i've done in the past and blush a bit to myself. i am the biggest dope of all

time.  it's funny how quickly a heart can regroup after being trampled on (not just romantically). well, at least regroup enough to not disclose all of its pain at once.  instead, it just comes back and hits you in short spurts of memories over time.  mini two minute clips of the past, sections of life that you try to forget but still hold onto for some odd reason.  and you're over it all, you definitely are, but it comes back to just prove that that part once existed.  it was important then, and it's important now. you'd be a fool to make those mistakes again, but you'd be a bit foolish to not make those mistakes in the first place.

i think one of the biggest fears anyone has is putting themselves out there, completely vulnerably, in hopes that the person or thing they're trusting will respond positively. 

not doing so, however, only leads to loneliness, emptiness, or longing.  

i know this is just restating what everyone knows. but it's hard to realize that it's the truth until you embrace it, over and over again, until you're no longer fearful of it at all.  

i don't want this harry potter bidness to end.


that being said, i'm probably going to see this last movie four times in the movie theater.

just like 7.1

this summer has been interesting to say the least

but i have an update, and it's a good one.

my labs came back normal. it appears as though the exercise and everything is paying off! i feel like a new woman right now with newfound energy and happiness.

also my cousins are going to be here thursday and i cannot be more elated. jaya, kaya, neha, priya, kripa, niyati, pinky ben, jaanki, kripa's two best friends and i are going to have the best weekend ever! it'll be nice finally enjoying the company of people my age around this town/st. augustine. haha.

i visited athens last week but didn't get to see all the people/do everything i wanted. but i'll be back there soon enough, and i'll get to hang out with everyone i care about, not just a select few. so i'm sorry i only saw about three people while i was there, my planning was all wack.

people are weird.



and i mean that in the most sincere way possible.

if they aren't selfish, they're too unselfish
and if they are selfish, they're too selfish


it's rare to find a happy medium.


who really wins in those scenarios?

obviously the selfish ones, to a degree.

but what's left after getting everything you want?

anyway, that's beside the point.


my goals this summer were to study ahead of time for my classes this semester, to work out everyday, to detox/eat healthier, and eventually become truly happy again.

it's hard to put all those things together when the summer has gotten off to such a weird start, and that's why i feel selfish. most people would be fueled by the events that have transpired yet i let them get to me so badly i can't see the benefits of my own actions long enough to be happier.

i work out (mostly) every day, i shadow a doctor, i study my fall semester coursework ahead of time, and i'm eating healthier.

i honestly broke down today because i wasn't meeting this weird goal in my head as quickly as i wanted to. my own mom made fun of me.

this whole post is scatter brained but i swear there was a point, and i'm going to attempt to get to it.

the other day my uncle called, and he explained to me the main point of the lecture he was attending. it was about the only person standing in our way. the only person who can set limits on ourselves.

the only person you cannot lie to as much as you try (thanks betty white for that one).

yourself.  my goal isn't unrealistic because it's impossible to reach, it's unrealistic because of the boundaries i've set for myself. mentally and physically. i've succumbed to the excuse, to the expectation, to the limitation i've set in my own head. "i can't stop doing this because if i start again eventually everything i've worked for will far apart." but it won't, cause it can't, because i don't know if it would or not and i haven't even given it a chance.

on another token, i haven't come to terms with our family friend's death because i haven't really given myself the chance to honestly talk it through, to say what they meant to me, what their kindness and thoughts meant to me and how it's fueling my goal to practice one day. i think that in some way is holding me back, it's been the topic of many conversations that i've tried my hardest to avoid. in all honesty though i'm still expecting to hear a phone call one day or a warm welcome on a trip home from athens.

the gist of it here is this, having an internal battle of wits with yourself never ever helps. if you're unhappy about something, try and fix it as soon as possible instead of bottling it up and letting it fester. then that itself becomes a limitation, and no one wants limitations. they make you feel silly and not in charge of your own life. yourself wouldn't be too happy about that.


new goal: become a better writer.

for all you gluten-eatin' cats:

never ever underestimate the power of a delicious flaky sandwich, pizza, or easy to pour pancake batter.


#wishiwereinknoxvilleatinghardknoxpizzaandgelato

On Notebooks

Every girl goes through their notebook stage. For most, it’s just that angsty time in middle school (7^th-8^th grade) when no one understands each other and your crush won’t look your way because a) you’re wearing animal print pants and b)you seriously don’t know how to put makeup on yet, yet you insist on it every single morning. For me, it started from 5th grade and ended somewhere towards the middle of freshman year of college.

I think I have about 20 notebooks. All are started up diaries full of terribly written entries (much like all of my blogs, haha) that stop about one fourth of the way through until I got bored with the background of the journal itself and wanted a new one--which is evident due to the scribblings that can be found on random pages after the last complete entry.  It’s all so amusing now, but it’s kind of annoying to find a place for all of them.  Fortunately my taste in covers hasn’t really changed much (all are variations of light orange, green, or pink in color) so I think I’m just gonna keep them all as humorous decorative pieces. Anyway,  I found this particularly juicy journal entry that I believe could not go overlooked.  I was really angry around Valentine’s day in 2006.  Take a couple guesses why.

Yes. It was about a boy.  Here it goes:

“Holy crap, my handwriting and poetry have definitely changed since I last wrote in this [journal].  I’ve found the meaning of prose [lool] and endured no good boys.  Ones I won’t mention, but SUCK!

i’m wondering if you ever liked me

the way i liked you

how every time i saw you my

heart skipped a beat

and when i saw your face

i’d stop and take a second glance

just to make sure i wasn’t

mistaking someone else for you

just like i did every other time

your name popped up even

when it wasn’t the word written

in front of me

your messages a prize piece

in my vast collection

your words engraved in my brain                                                                          

as i skim through the stupid things

i said in response, not realizing then

what i know now

what sucks most is that i

blindly took the hurt you gave me,

not realizing that each moment spent

would be a moment regretted

yeah, you were right, i probably shouldn’t have ever met you

but why not try to make an impact on such an optimistic person?

the beauty of it all is that it had no lasting effect unlike every

other person you’ve done this to

and i’m still the same, innocent, happy girl you wish you could know better.

things are clearly looking up boywise now:

te extraño

heard this record the other day with michael and for some reason this song stuck with me.

the byrds-draft morning

i have a habit of liking the way songs sound more than the lyrics themselves, it puts me at fault sometimes and confused other times.  like for instance, until just now, i didn't realize what this song is about.
oops.
although i'll never be able to relate to it, it's pretty awesome to keep listening to.


i'm terrible at saying proper goodbyes, and in the past two weeks i've had to do it a fair amount. some more heavy than others.  it's unbelievable how many times similar things can happen and they still take you by surprise. 


however there are brighter pastures ahead because a) it's summer b) i ain't got no job and i ain't got *anything* to do c)i'm gonna be healthier finally and d) family is the best cure for any emotions i'm feeling currently. 

my family is amazing. 

lol

my photobooth is embarrassing.

i also need new faces.

hopeful

if you guys ever read those posts around november, they're kind of depressing and just mopey in general, so i hope you didn't.


but anyway, i think there might be a cure to my problems. i'm not entirely sure yet, and i'm only in the steps towards progress, but i think i might know the solution. emotionally, as you guys know, i'm doing pretty well i think.  there's a guy that makes me smile on a minute-to-minute basis that i keep around and i have a pretty awesome set of friends.

physically, however, is a whole other story. the doc told me "gluten free" (and potentially dairy free) might be the way to go... my thoughts wandered to everything i love: food, chocolate, more food, delicious baked treats, etc. and maybe shed a tear or two for my cooking blog (i'll update that soon, promise).

but my mom reminded me that i know how to cook lentils cause i'm indian or whatever, and then my aunt reminded me that the health problems i have are far worse than a lack of cookies in my life (yeah right!!!!!!... jk)

so anyway.. this week (the first week of this) was surprisingly not that hard, and as michael put it while talking to kristen the other day "you know, she's not only taking it really well, she just made the best meals ever these past few days".

i tried making a family classic, kichadi, the other night. and boy howdy was it delicious. first time cooking it on my own (mom on the phone, of course)! i also started making berry smoothies with orange juice and yogurt each night, ensuring a breakfast the next morning that would replace my usual bran flakes. turns out, it's easier to replace gluten-filled items than i thought it would be. i can eat cornmeal, so michael and i made black bean crepes the other night that were super deluxe.  and then finally, the next day i took some of the left over crepe filling and made a honey-lime glazed slab of grilled chicken to put on top...deeelicious.

if anything, this diet is pushing me to become more creative and explore options i never knew existed before. cooking things that are so tasty and being a healthier (happier, more energetic) person apparently can go hand in hand. and i think how wonderful i'll feel in a couple months will be worth everything i'm putting behind me (i'll have to start looking for another source of happiness to replace dairy).  i haven't been myself this past year and i want to get back into that sorta thing.  since october i've kind of holed myself up in my room, writing, reading, thinking, over thinking, hoping, retracing steps, wondering, wishing, and dreaming. a lot of dreaming. i get a lot of sleep. a lot.

sorry to those who maybe wanted to hang out and i was too lazy to leave my couch.

time to go to the regular 7-8 hour sleep-filled nights, waking up at 7 and going to bed at 11:30, and making the most of my day without feeling overwhelmingly tired, unmotivated, and sick.

april can and will be a good month.

farmhouse, rucha's new summer headquarters and hopefully where she'll get all buff and stuff

and then everything starts falling into place.

FOOD BLOG FOOD BLOG FOOD BLOG

who will love me in winter?

everyone seems to be inclined to warm up to someone during the colder months.
i can't help but feel the same way too. 


i just wish it could all be so much easier.




to anyone who has someone and is reading this.. 
cherish it, there's always someone longing for that same exact thing.


and i'm happy for you.