WOOOOH

One of our pack is getting married tomorrow.

So crazy! I felt really old while I got dressed for this rehearsal dinner.

man i hate that there are not enough educated people out there to see THROUGH these statements being made.

of COURSE the budget's still mucked up. you guys honestly think the president ALONE makes these decisions?? that there aren't people voting his decisions down?

the way the election campaigns are run they make it seem as though the president alone controls the entire government.

don't forget you're just voting for a third of the power.

don't forget today, tomorrow, or election day.


the internet is the worst during these times. the tv is the worst during these times. it's appalling to see how easily people forget the basic facts surrounding how our government is run.

all of y'all go review this crucial material before opening up your mouths.


also romney, quit saying "my" "i" and "myself" so often.  you're not some sort of savior working alone. that's not what the president does. clearly.

doing things?

i was in a music video today!!

so i can cross that off my list of things to do in life.


music video, check.
magazine, check.
newspaper, check.
random websites since 2004?, check check check check check.


now gotta do the whole doctor thing, write/illustrate a children's novel, sing in front of a crowd again at least once more, and sell my baked goods/artwork on a bigger scale.

baby steps.

it'll be okay, it's you we're talking about.

but that's just it, isn't it?

It's me we're talking about.

Ugh I need a dunce cap.

Please just stop getting bored midway. Enjoy the song fully. Enjoy the dance with zero constraints. Don't put on a show

Gosh this feels so cool

on a lighter note, i wrote some jay-z and beyonce fanfiction

I call this one, "Dreamworld"-------

"Hey B, what time are the babysitting hopefuls coming by today? Ye just called, said he's dropping by and it's important," HOVA called to his loving wife, Beyonce.

"Jay! You know I can't reschedule! They're arriving in exactly thirty minutes, which is when Blue Ivy wakes up from her nap," Beyonce replied, sticking her head out of the bathroom door while putting on gold earrings that matched fantastically well with her chartreuse romper. 

"It'll be fine," Jay waved her frantic reply aside.  Just then a heavy knock came to the door.  

"It's me! Yeezy!" came a sad but loud voice from behind the front door.  Jay-Z moved to get up but Beyonce was faster, opening the door in a swift motion and pulling at face at Kanye's distressed state.

"What's wrong with you?" she asked.

"I...I just broke up with Kim," he replied, somberly.

"OH THANK GOD!" exclaimed three voices in unison.  Hova and B looked at each other, then at Kanye, then at the newcomer standing at the foot of the patio.

"Am I early?" the prospective babysitter asked sheepishly, embarrassed for voicing her thoughts aloud in front of her favorite rapper.  Kanye turned around to face her, his frown faltering slightly as he gave her a once over.  

"You're hired!" he said, clapping his hands together.

"I think I'll decide that," Beyonce commanded the attention back to herself.  Rucha just giggled and took Kanye's hand leading her into the lovely mansion.

to be continued.

overdue?

if you're reading this, i'm sorry i can't help you.


i really wish i could, but when you don't think/don't want/refuse to help yourself then no one else can pick up those pieces for you.

there are always going to be those who have it worse and those who have it better. as adults who have already gone through our either happy or depressing developmental stages, we can't go back and make things less miserable as we see fit.  we just have to try and make it better now.

take me for example.  i'm extremely self conscious, always have been,  and am constantly looking to gratify the needs of others in the hopes that they will, in turn, appreciate who i am for my efforts.  i'm constantly in fear that i'm being left out of something for one reason or another. yeah,  i said it. i'm selfish in that regard. so selfish in fact, that when my best efforts go unnoticed, i feel more down than i'd like to admit.  this is just one of the myriad of things i need to work on, but guess how i'm trying to work at it?

by going to the gym and eating right.
it's the me first attitude, but with the added bonus of nobody else's opinion being factored in.

i cook for me, i eat for me, i work out for me. me alone.

and the benefits?
only i see them, only i feel them. no one who passes by will know i'm actively fighting illnesses. no one has to know. the only person my activities directly affect is me.

you should never, ever, ever change anything about yourself in order to seek positive feedback from others. you should be seeking positive feedback from YOU, then everything else falls into place. it just does.

i know i live a very privileged life.  i have a great family, i have a great group of friends, i love what i'm studying, i love what i do on a regular basis.  i could easily make everything worse though just with my attitude on it.  so i won't let myself.

make lists, complete them. reorganize everything.  work out or play or make something for the 3 spare hours a day you have. stop sitting.

just stop that, right now. get up.
in fact, get a stand up desk.

do things that you know lead to positive changes. and if you can't find the positive in anything, then you're not looking hard enough.

Future Home Ideas

future home ideas:

all white or the lightest cream color, large kitchen (maybe biggest room in the house?). fresh cut flowers from the garden in my backyard, cut to perfection and sitting at the round cherry wood dinner table. a cake tower display.
gujarati alphabet painting with common words and phrases at the bottom written/painted in bright gold on an orange and pink painted canvas on the wall.

teals, oranges, mustards, browns, creams, raspberry pinks and rosemary greens accent the setting.

fresh everything

fresh beet and chickpea hummus waiting to be eaten on the table with homemade flatbread, and homemade granola/biscotti sitting in glass jars by the toaster.

pomegranates, apples, oranges and mangos sit in the fruit basket
while next to the juicer lemons and limes wait to be squeezed for dinner, cocktails, poptails... the works.

i want my living room to be simple. with seating the focal point, not the tv. five large items, at most. walls adorned with bright shining family pictures, my own photography, happy bright colors on cream colored walls that capture as much light as possible.

i want a screened porch if not a sunroom.

and i want a coat rack by the door, a bright colored chandelier overlooking the dining table, and a floral bench seat under a bright window just for reading.

life is for living, we all know

and i don't want to live it alone

cause my head just aches
when i think of the things that i shouldn't have done
cause life is for living we all know
and i don't want to live it alone

disheartening weekend nights

everyone keeps losing faith around me and i can't handle it. love will find those who honestly seek it. i promise

I have the best family and friends a girl could ask for, no doubt.

I wish I could stop getting so damn emotional whenever I drink though.  I broke down for what felt like the millionth time in the past three weeks and unfortunately this time I wasn't hiding in a car.  I hate allowing people to see me when I'm vulnerable, but once it happens I can't stop.  It just escalates until I'm a crying heap and helpless.


For whatever reason I'm the first to try and get someone else to talk about their feelings, but as soon as it comes to my own I feel almost like I'm betraying someone else by making them listen to any level of sadness.  I know I shouldn't bottle things up inside.  I know it doesn't make things easier.  I also know it takes a certain level of broken heartedness that should be released to simply cry until you can't breathe in the driver seat of your car. Or in the shower. Or just sitting beside the little nook of trees in the patch of grass between Wilcox and Rutherford.

For those of you who saw me crying and didn't get scared, thank you so so so so so much.  I love you. I truly do.  It was so out of character for me and I hope I can snap out of it soon. The truth is I miss him more than I thought I would.  More than anyone thought I would I'm sure.  And I'm also terrified of everything at the moment.  It seemed nice being able to go through things with him around to give me a hug at the end of the day, but I don't have that anymore and it's taking a lot to get used to that.  It makes me feel selfish for expecting those things too, which feels worse inevitably.

I need someone to cut me off midfunk.  Seriously.

No more funks.  Just happy days.

Sunday, Monday ones. Tuesday, Wednesday ones. Thursday, Friday ones. Saturday what a days.

i just

wish it would get a bit easier.
















but i have a feeling it never does

it's crazy!

some of the best stories/plot lines i've seen are from amateur authors who are three years younger than me.

goes to show you how amazing you can be, regardless of age, when you hone one skill and one skill alone for a lengthy period of time.

i wish i could go back and do that. i hope i can in the near future.

blech

playing the hypocrite

lately i've been avoiding deeper emotions by immersing myself in other less meaningful projects.  which also means my studying has become lopsided and erratic, to say the least. my only problem is that when i'm not thinking of these whimsical stories, it just hurts. a lot. i used to get mad at him for doing the same thing.

time fix all of this.


also after september 7th i'll be looking for good reading suggestions, so if you have any let me know. i need to get over my HP kick with something a bit more down to earth. i think i've pretty much absorbed all the meaning from those books that's possible and it's time to let go, haha.

la regla numera una---

dejes el búsqueda de validación por el Red

i'm just so angry alll the time

i can't help but feel a bit like harry in the beginning of order of the phoenix

i know that's the dumbest analogy in the world but i don't feel like myself right now and his sentiments pretty much mirror mine. i seriously need to snap out of it fast. get outta here voldemort

time to get my everything together. i've been in this stage before, i can do it again. this time with cocktails. 

loveology

stay-ology, please-ology

cheese

“Let’s retrace thesteps of how blood travels through the heart and into the lungs, beginning withthe inferior venae cavae,” the teacher’s voice is drowned out as I draw in theintricate details, careful to keep the eyeballed symmetry.  My #2 mechanical pencil is the most effectivefor this kind of art. I’d like to think my notebook paper is perfect for ittoo, with the lines allowing for an unintentional levelness to each petal. 

            “Ever get sad knowing that naturecan’t create something as beautiful?” he asks, sitting down next to me andsmiling.

            “Honestly I don’t think I’d ever beable to recreate the perfection that is the poppy, but I try my best everyday,” I keep looking down, feeling my blush spread to my cheeks.  It’s emotions like this that make me wonderwhether I’m a 12 year old wrapped in a twenty-year-old’s body. I clearly needto learn to speak up a little better because he made a confused face.

            “What did you say?” he asks with abigger smile, leaning closer.

            “Erm, don’t’ worry about it,” Ipretend to refocus on what the professor is saying, when really I’m calculatingthe five minutes I give myself to slowly turn my head towards him withoutlooking like I’m staring.  5, 4, 3, 2,1:30, 1, :30… His dark brown hair partially covers his paper, the terriblydrawn circulatory system unfolding under his pencil.  It’ll be a wonder if he’s able to actuallytell what he’s drawn next week when he’s studying for the exam.  I look back at my own paper, this perfectlysymmetrical and unnaturally speckled flower isn’t going to help me much whenI’m studying next week either.  I shrugit off, picking up my pencil to careful write anatomy across the top of thepage, the date, and sign it off as though I’m about to turn my art in as anassignment.


__________________________________________________________________________

It shouldn’t be anordeal.  I can do this. We’ve all donethis.  We’ve all been hungry and havegone into a shop to eat exactly what we’re craving.  I am craving a burrito.  I could just go in, get the burrito and noone would probably even notice.  But whatif he actually did notice?  He’s standingthere, waiting in line to get the order. What if he turns around and recognizes me as that girl who he thoughtprobably just didn’t know English, but really is just too quiet for her attemptat witty banter?  I can’t go in.  I’m just going to go home and eat a bowl ofcereal. That’s what I’ll do.  Hoping noone notices, I turn right around, swing my backpack back over my shoulder andwalk out of there quickly. 

_____________________________________________________________________________

“Com eon, are you ready yet?” my friend taps her feet on the ground, watching as Ifiddle with the scarf I’m testing out as a headband in my hair.  I grimace a bit when I imagine it droopingwithin the hour.  I like the way it looksnow, but for fear of it looking silly and drawing attention, I take it out.  My hair looks the way it always does again, long, unruly and covering up most of my shoulders and face.  I turn on my heel, shrug at my friend and quickly slip my shoes on. 

An hour later I find myself in one of the loudest bars imaginable.  There are eighteen year olds everywhere,easily getting past the bouncers with their faux Texas IDs.  Lost In the sea of blonde hair blue-eyed perky bombshells, I find myself tapping my feet to the latest Beyoncé jamblasting, waiting for my only friend to return from getting us drinks.  I get a tap on my shoulder, look up quicklyand notice a kid with a nice smile and sandy brown hair asking for the chair myfeet are comfortably tucked into.  I shrug without a word and he takes it without question.  I tell myself I’ll just give my own chair tomy friend if she asks.  She finally comes back, pulling a chair from across the room confidently and sitting down. I begin to work through the peculiarly strong drink.  I nod as she talks about the people she says she saw on her way out, informing me why she took a bit longer than usual.  We sit there in silence for a moment before a familiar mop of hair catches my eye.  Whyon earth does this kid have to give me butterflies just from talking to me for one minute during lecture?  It’s odd though; he looks just as bored as I do, fidgeting impatiently while his friends try talking to a couple girls on the other side of him. I quickly look down and pretend my drink is the most interesting thing imaginable when he notices me staring.  My friend taps my shoulder, making me raise my head, but only for a half second my cheeks probably violently red at this point.

“Hey, I just saw Tyler, I’ll be back in sec,” she informs me as she stands up.  I sigh heavily, wishing I could just be athome and not blushing furiously because some guy notices me staring.  He isn’t even looking in my general directionanymore, I should at least be feeling nothing now.  I try capturing the straw with my mouth without looking and stare at my phone.  Imissed.  Nothing new.  On the third attempt to capture my straw I realize looking at tumblr while at a bar is quite possibly the lamest thinganyone could ever do, and inwardly scold myself for not just opening up tothese perfect girls in their heels.  We must have something in common, right?  I glance up finally from my phone and see a pair of legs in front of me.  They are not my friend’s.  In fact, they are particularly boyish. 

“Looks like the straw won that round, huh?” he says and I can hear the smirk in his voice.  I finally look up and see him.

“Er, haha yeah…” is all I come up with. Without invitation he sits down and he nods.  I guess that’s his asking if it's alright?  I give him a weak smile back.

“So how do you like Dr. Anderson’s lecture style? It’s not that boring is it?” he asks.

“I like her a lot!”

“Doesn’t seem like it with your doodling during lecture.”

“It’s the only way I can really listen well and stay awake to be honest.”

“So she’s boring then.”

“Not really, it’s just nine am, you know?” I say, surprised I’m actually keeping up with this, AND he can actually hear me. I almost visibly smile at my own confidence.  All of a sudden I hear giggling in a corner, and see a girl and boy walking up to him. At about five feet away from us they beckon him over, and without another word he gets up to leave.  I let out a breath I didn’t realize I was holding back in, glad that I didn’t make an utter fool of myself but sad it was all over. 

my dream

had a dream that Michael dumped me for the teen wolf chick AGAIN and then Raphael Saadiq asked me out. I didn't have an answer for him immediately so he walked out confused and then some other famous actor who I can't remember the name of came up an asked me out and in my state of confusion I said yes. Then I made a fish face and we laughed together and rode the roller coaster in despicable me

some of my favorite moments are singing her songs at the top of my lungs. nothing sounds/feels better than that liberating moment when you hit the high note with her

power of music?

then this sorta popped up and i couldn't stop smiling

there has to be other things you can do other than eat crepes in france. geeze. easiest thing to make on the planet? probably. if I traveled across the globe you can bet your patoot I'm gonna be eating the finest pastry imaginable by French standards, which obviously are super high. crepes.. pfft

slightly more cheerful; esmeralda

hahaha

:(

as excited as i am for everyone to embark on these new journeys, i'm coming to dread august more and more.

i'm gonna miss everyone so much

especially this one guy

and now i'm just goofing it up because i can't stop hugging him every chance i get. i think i'm weirding him out

 i thought i could get pretty attached before, but those past things seem so trivial now in comparison.

didn't really hit me til yesterday

growing up is negative fun

wow. i had jam packed fun days 7 years ago.

old blog (warning 2005 material)

well

"my goal isn't unrealistic because it's impossible to reach, it's unrealistic because of the boundaries i've set for myself. mentally and physically. i've succumbed to the excuse, to the expectation, to the limitation i've set in my own head. "i can't stop doing this because if i start again eventually everything i've worked for will fall apart." but it won't, cause it can't, because i don't know if it would or not and i haven't even given it a chance.


on another token, i haven't come to terms with our family friend's death because i haven't really given myself the chance to honestly talk it through, to say what they meant to me, what their kindness and thoughts meant to me and how it's fueling my goal to practice one day. i think that in some way is holding me back, it's been the topic of many conversations that i've tried my hardest to avoid. in all honesty though i'm still expecting to hear a phone call one day or a warm welcome on a trip home from athens.

the gist of it here is this, having an internal battle of wits with yourself never ever helps. if you're unhappy about something, try and fix it as soon as possible instead of bottling it up and letting it fester. then that itself becomes a limitation, and no one wants limitations. they make you feel silly and not in charge of your own life. yourself wouldn't be too happy about that."




sometimes i look back at what i've written and wonder a) why does my english grammar keep getting worse while my spanish gets better b)how would this look if i'd written this in gujarati c)how was it me who wrote this? i actually am not embarrassed by it

blergh

why are people so damn mean all the time?

i'm sick and tired of hearing people make fun of others' interests just because they have their own idea of what's "cool"

yeah i know, i do it too. but to be so blatant and hurtful about it is ridiculous and doesn't help anyone.

take your vindictive comments elsewhere, especially those of you with the power to reach many. spread positive ideas rather than insensitive interpretations.  read a book instead of glowering at what you hate constantly, and maybe you'll be a tad bit happier yourself.



i think i get it

the internet has made it so that we're no longer that "special" person who jumps between the roots and the byrds, the hemingway and the dario, the japanese architecture and the vintage tea set.  it scares everyone, i'm sure. the right way of going about that fear is to not backlash at anyone like them as though they are a threat, but instead embrace the fact that you're not alone.

cheesy and delightful.
click below.
<3

There's something about this heat that's invigorating and relaxing all at once.  I can't describe it.  I should be at a gym right now but I'm sipping on a cold drink and reading for class by a window.

I might go when the sunsets, but for now, this feels right.

Get up and get out. Be as close to the window and alert as possible, if not outside enjoying yourself if you can be.

The point of the critics is not to undermine the amount of knowledge being passed around, the issue they're criticizing is the WAY in which they want to pursue Kony. Think about it before you think it's just making fun of something "good" because they can.  It's preventing people from being ill-informed before they fund a program that wants to use military tactics to intervene.


I don't argue with the fact that it's wonderful that this knowledge is becoming so well known, although it's ridiculous to think we didn't care enough when it had started 20+ years ago or even cared the slightest when Obama declared he was going to intervene in October, myself included.

i've always wanted someone (specifically a boy i've been crushing on at the time) to hear me sing when i didn't realize it, and appreciate it enough to say something, or to somehow have a crush on me back.

and then it would be all like

"aw, hey i heard you singing while you were in the other room"
"oh really?" (deep blush, look up and smile)
"yeah, it was nice... wanna go out some time?" (wink wink wink wink wink, date, date, date, dance, dance, dance, all in that order)


it finally happened last year.

on an unrelated note

anyone using skewed statistics to prove what's wrong with our government needs to learn how to read.


quit taking the easy way out and acting smug on things you apparently care little to nothing about unless it's in a conveniently color-coded bar graph.

dumbledore said

do not pity the dead, harry
pity the living
and most of all, 
pity those who live without love.


for whatever reason, J.K. Rowling has a way of making me feel comfortable with mortality.

she did it first in harry's talk with nearly headless nick after sirius's death:


I was afraid of death [...] I chose to remain behind. I sometimes wonder whether I oughtn't to have ... well, that is neither here nor there ... in fact, I am neither here nor there [...] I know nothing of the secrets of death, Harry, for I chose my feeble imitation of life instead. (38.166)

and.. that's all I got.

I always regret not having better work ethic before, but in some ways I don't think I would have gotten to this point of understanding if I hadn't struggled in the past trying to find what really clicked.

I'm thankful for everything at this point, and I know there's more I can sacrifice to attain my goal.  Before I was scared, now I know what I have to do and what it means to do it.

It always clicks sometime, and no matter what, you can get exactly what you want if you try hard enough and look through things positively.  It's going to take a while, and it's going to hurt, but success is always going to be available.

If we have enough time to read this blog post, we have enough time to better our days through studying, meditating, motivating ourselves to try something else.  I know this isn't the first thing you came across and the last thing you read on the internet today, but ponder it.

Stop wasting your time.