this too shall pass

day: november 3, 2010
[[tribute to xanga:

mood-frustrated]]

i'm tired for no reason at all.

also, these fourteen pounds of water weight (due to recent "improvements" in my health) are really beginning to bother me.

i want a treatment.

and i want it now.

i'm going to the gym today with a friend, hopefully she'll give me the guidance i'll need to just keep going and going and going without getting intimidated by other people.

i'm kidding about fourteen pounds, it's down to five or six now.  i've still fit in all of my clothes, so it's really not that big of a deal. i just feel different.

and not in a good way. 

kristen/alex told me i've appeared sad lately, and i think it's just frustration with my body.  i know i'm not the healthiest person in the world, but geeze, can't i get a little break somewhere?

somewhere along the way i stopped trying.
i think this might be life biting me in the butt or something

---written three weeks ago after one of the more frustrating days of my life:

i kind of feel like the cardiologist who comes to work double fisting mcdonalds and a cigarette.  how is it that as someone who knows the most about health out of all my peers, i'm the one with the problems?

i guess that maybe it's a sign.  this only empowers me more to do research on this and aid others who might potentially have the same problems.

for those that didn't know, i was born with atopic dermatitis. a skin condition that ranges in severity, it's created by a weakened immune system and causes breakouts on the skin. for most people, it's worse while growing up and just kind of fizzles out during the teenage years. for others, such as myself, it remains a problem, with more and more breakouts, loss of pigmentation, allergies, etc.  there is no known cure for it, the only things available are there to help lessen the symptoms, but even those don't work half the time.  it was the worst its ever been this past summer.

more recently, (i.e. yesterday) i found out i'm a potential candidate for type 2 diabetes.  i might have thyroid problems, creating insufficient hormone levels which, as you guys know, regulate efficacy of insulin and my weight.


somehow i think this all may be connected. how? i'm not sure.. but hopefully i'll find out soon.  i hope that, with treating the most recent development, i can get to the bottom of this skin condition. if anything, i'll be able to go to india and stay in an ayurvedic clinic for a while until this all gets sorted out, which seems to be a silver lining in this otherwise dismal cloud of a week.


i don't think it'll be easy, but i don't think it'll be too hard either.
i'm fortunate it's not any worse, but this whole lifetime problem deal is unnerving.


....

i complain too much sometimes.
it could definitely be worse.

i'm gonna plaster a smile on my face no matter what for the rest of the semester.